13:54.10

We left from Half Moon Bay around 7 pm. We being Chad, Joey, Amy, Greg, David, JC, Sarah, Felicia, Ben, Steve and myself—a full crew where each person had a designated task. Three hours later we arrived to the dark, sour smelling, concert that was the Southeast Farallon Islands.

If you want to read specifically about the swim and the ratification you can check out WOWSA ratification record HERE.

From here, because you follow my newsletter I am going to talk about what isn’t in the record. I am going to share my thoughts and feelings—the emotion of this swim.

7 minutes, 500 yards. That was how long I was going to allow myself to feel scared. Five football fields away from the Islands.

Slipping into the water at the SEFI buoy at 10:45pm was less scary than I thought. Strangely, I felt calm immediately. Maybe because of the shark shields, maybe because I know I am not shark food, maybe because nothing was in the water, maybe because I have done many similar swims.

As the first few hours ticked by I swam with focus and precision. At around hour 4, or nearing 3am, the cold started to take over.

I felt it in my core even though my hands, feet, and face were still comfortable. It was the cold in my core that brought the overwhelming doubt along with it. I started wondering, should I quit now?

Felicia jumped in with me and my hope was that her speed would warm me up a little. It helped.

After she swam her segment I was alone in the dark, again. But here is the thing, I was never actually alone. In my many night swims I usually find solace in the darkness a sort of peace and quiet.

Not this night. The ocean was ALIVE.

Teeming with jellyfish—the kind that stung and the kind that just freaked me out every time they bumped me. “Was that a carcass?”, I would ask myself. A bait ball and I had the same path for HOURS, small fish hitting me, sea birds calling out loudly in the night.

Their calls sounded eerily like, “Caaaaaat, caaaaaattttt”. I struggled to differentiate my crews cheers for support with their sounds.

Their eyes illuminating off the boats spotlight created an optical illusion that from my point of view, made it seem like I could see the city lights of SF. A mentally exhausting hallucination creating a false sense of hope.

So you see, I never had the chance to find peace.

I was in the trenches.

Get to 5am. Ok.

Get to sunrise. Ok.

Get to 8am. Ok.

Each milestone I told my crew my fear, that I didn’t think I could keep going, my hands shivering with each feed.

We got to Point Bonita and I thought, “thank GOODNESS!!”. Because you see, in my head this was an 18mile swim and a 12mile conveyor belt ride into the bay (aka the flood).

That didn’t happen though.

We stayed at Point Bonita. For a long time. I told the crew I could see that we were not making progress. The flood that I was waiting for and ready to celebrate, let me down. Maybe we needed to be on a different path, maybe the flood was too strong and we were in an eddy.

I was done. It was over.

Amy told me to at least touch land and that the closest land I could touch was China Beach. Sneaky move by Amy, she knew that I knew that wasn’t close. (Thank you).

I looked at both the beach and the Golden Gate Bridge and then sunk under the water.

In that second I knew I had to finish this because I COULD finish it. I wasn’t dying, I wasn’t at risk. It was time to fight.

I emerged and let out the most insane guttural warrior scream I have ever screamed and I proclaimed, “we’re getting to the bridge!!!!!”.

With that I raced, I sped up and moved my arms as fast as I could.

13:54 minutes later I crossed under the Golden Gate Bridge.

I only crossed under that bridge because of the crew listed above, because of their years of knowledge, because of their unwavering belief in me, because of them doing their best to clear the battle field for me but knowing it was my fight.

Reading what I wrote above actually makes me want to cry. I think it is the first time I have written the emotions out. The first time I have taken a step back looked at this swim as a spectator and realized how hard it was mentally. I was in a mid-F the entire time.

At one point I told JC I do these swims because I love them, because they are fun. I told him I was not having fun and this was not serving me. There was no point.

That narrative overtook me, I was pushing through something and I didn’t know why. When I finished the swim I called a friend and I told her I felt dishonest to myself, that I went against every thing I stand for in order to finish this swim. I felt like a fraud.

However, in the ensuing days I realized that all of my swims have had stories of adversity. The English Channel I completed straight from my flight with only 45min to prepare. Monterey Bay had cross swell that made my whole team sick. The North Channel challenged me with 12+knots of wind and 50F water.

The challenge of this swim was mental. I feel like I fought through a battle field, I did in a way. Getting thrown physical and mental obstacles the entire time.

What a testament to my ability, that despite not having my grit (usually I call it my superpower) and not having the current, I still finished on my first attempt and broke the record.

It took until this exact moment to think that. You are reading my processing in real time.

I do wonder, had they lowered the ladder and given me the chance to quit—would I have taken it? Something tells me, no.

One of my biggest hero’s is Courtney Dauwalter, she just did UTMB and finished 10th. A race she has won 3 times prior. No one looks at her and thinks, “oh she didn’t win so she wasn’t prepared.”

I don’t think anyone thinks that about me either, but of course that was my fear and the story I was telling myself.

This swim was iconic because of the challenges it poses. It has stared at me for many years. Biking to the top of Mt Tam seeing the islands and knowing they were calling my name.

Swim California is going to be the greatest challenge of my life. In a way, the Ocean, Mother Nature, gave me a gift in this challenge. I didn’t just gain just a tool, I gained a whole utility belt.

It is a privilege to see how tough you can be, to go full gas into something you love.

🙂 “California swimmer breaks historic record for 30-mile ocean swim from Farallones to S.F.” SF Chron

I was so grateful to have the Chronicle support this monumental swim and for Ben Fanjoy to be on board taking the amazing pictures in the article and shown above.

“To avoid an encounter, Breed’s support team — a fishing boat and a kayak that paced her progress — towed Shark Shields, battery-powered devices that emit electrical signals underwater, which are meant to overstimulate the sensory organs in sharks’ noses and turn the creatures away.”

😢 “One of the largest marine heat waves in decades is impacting California weather”-SF Chron

While we might be happy about the warm weather, it’s not all good.

“Marine heat waves have impacts beyond meteorology. Marine animals change their feeding and migration patterns, moving into a narrower zone of cooler water, which increases the risk of whale-ship entanglements and harmful algal blooms. “

Behind the swim is a whole team and so I just want to shoutout the people who have made getting this far possible.

Each newsletter I am going to shoutout someone who went above and beyond. This week I want to shoutout:

💙 David Holscher. David is a swim friend from NightTrain but he is also a stealthy very accomplished open water swimmer. Holschie as we lovingly call him, has been my biggest cheerleader over the years. Each time I tell him about my crazy idea he answers with ok and then asks thoughtful questions and offers his expertise and guidance. Not only my ideas but all of us with Night Train, or the little group that is left. I am grateful to be surrounded by people who say, “You’re crazy. How can I help?”.

He is gearing up to swim his own English Channel swim starting on 8/18. Good luck Holschie!!!! You’ve got this.

I also want to thank all the donors who have come in and gotten us OVER $100,000!!!!

This isn’t just my swim; it’s a journey for all of us who love the ocean, crave adventure, and believe in trying something even when it feels impossible. Thank you for being here.

Donations are currently being accepted through my 501-c3 non-profit, Sea Dreamers. During Swim California we will be stopping and having various Sea Dreamers events to bring more women and girls into the ocean and create more awareness around ocean conservation—because I believe we fight for what we love and women fight pretty damn hard.